So this morning Kristin asked me if I wanted to practice parallel parking tonight after I'm done working on my note sets for my Tarot paper (they're not as bad as I thought they'd be). I was like, "Well, I don't know if I'm going to take the driver's test on Saturday." And then it finally came out, the truth. She was like, "Well you have to understand that you not having your license doesn't just affect you, it affects me, and it feels like I don't have a say etc. etc. etc. You have to understand how hard it is to take you everywhere all the time" So it's like, okay, okay, I feel guilty enough for existing and this just amplifies it. I seriously don't have to be here. If anyone doesn't want me alive, I seriously do not have to be. Give me a reason, give me one reason and I'll do it. I swear to God, I've been that close for years. UGH. Emo teenager here, honestly.... anyway so I feel guilty after she says all this (like I don't already feel guilty about 90 other things right now) and I decide, "Well, tonight after I finish my note sets, Dad can watch Jack and we can practice parking in your car. And then we can practice Friday after school as well. And I'll give the test a shot on Saturday, but I really have no confidence that I'm going to pass. 

Honestly, why does it have to be this freaking complicated? Why couldn't Heidi just have gone to grad school here in Maryland and stayed with us, so that she could drive me everywhere and I wouldn't have to feel like shit making Kristin do it all the time? It's so gay, god. 

So I stooped to an all-time low last night. I made a MySpace. ONLY, SOLELY for the purpose of meeting people at Elms, because I am going to be utterly alone when I go there. But the god damn computer network at my school won't let us go on MySpace so I can't see if any of the people responded. This isn't fair. They let you go on Facebook, and Facebook sucks. It's like, all hard to access and you can't just like, search students and view their profiles to see if they're someone you can relate to... no, everything's all protected and locked and this and that bullshit and whatever. Whatever. I hate being alive right now with this stupid term paper, this stupid phobia of driving, my stupid self... God, MySpace and Facebook are so gay. They're major sell-out vehicles. 

God, Dad thinks I have depression because I'm an atheist. Whatever, that's so stupid. I love being an atheist, and I love not caring about dying. It makes me less afraid of everything. I'm not afraid of dying, really, I'm only afraid of what can happen to me while I'm living. It's like what Dumbledore always told Tom Riddle, there are worse fates than death. Speaking of HP, I should go on Mugglenet and write up some emails. I'm so bored. I'm free for another 35 minutes and I forgot to bring my work and my math textbook, so this is just a total waste of time. 

I hate my life sometimes. Blah

I got into Elms! *smiles*

I. Hate. Integrative Seminar.

So Elms is gay. They like, first forgot to enter into their computer that I paid my application fee, and now they were just sitting there waiting for my semester grades to come in. So Mrs. Seraydarian faxed them my grades. Thank God my grades turned out okay for first semester. I would have died if it showed I was failing physics. I hope they don't like, read the comments my teachers left though. That's embarrassing. 

OMG, I got a 19/20 on my MATH QUIZ!!! THAT'S MATH. MATH. An A in MATH. I never thought I'd live to see the freaking day. Holy crap.

I want to be done by an Indian male. So badly.

I am beyond bored out of my mind. Free periods can be so gay. I know I'll be loving them when I have to write that awful integrative paper... which will be SOON as hell. God damn it. Okay, so I'm sitting in the Quiet Room watching Addams eat this nasty two-day old grapefruit. It's like, all in tupper-ware and floating in its own juice. I'm kind of thirsty... I think I have a water bottle in my backpack. 

I downloaded iMesh last night, and oh em jee. It is AMAZING. I was listening to SexyBack and L.O.V.E. and Stacie Oricco and B*Witched and all this other fun, hilarious, pointless music that just made me want to dance. Man, it was good to have the mesh again. What has it been, since like, ninth grade? Yeah, ninth grade! Man. And you can download like, whole albums from it. Wait, maybe I shouldn't be posting this on the internet. As far as I know, it's totally legal. You have to pay to use a lot of the features. But dude, I tried to download the soundtracks to Mulan and Anastasia and Aladdin and all they had were like, the French versions or really crappy bootleggy versions. Lame. 

So tonight is the Duke's Men of Yale concert! I'm so excited. They put on such a fun show for us on Wednesday. I really want Dad to see them. He'll think it's funny. 

Allie heard from one of the million colleges she applied to! She got in! Congrats to Allie! Now I need to hear from the ONE college I applied to! Mrs. Seraydarian said she'd email them and be like, "Hey... er... we were supposed to have heard from you by now?" I wish I was in college right now. And that I didn't have to write a stupid paper on tarot cards. Actually, they said it only has to be ten pages. We don't have to write the full fifteen. This shouldn't be as hard as I was making it out to be yesterday. And as my teachers were making it out to be. Allie said she wrote two twenty-page papers this year. That makes me feel a little bit better. It's not gonna be like, impossible. And normal people do it all the time. 

I hate Creative Writing. I took it because I want to WRITE. Not sit there and learn about archetypes. I don't care about symbols and archetypes, it's all so broad and general and boring. Dreams interpretation... what is this, freshman year? I'm already past all of that. I have that class in like, twenty minutes. I guess I would much rather be sitting here doing nothing and listening to the Beatles on my iPod than be wasting away in a class. School is starting to get really redundant and boring. All I do is stare at my watch and wait for each hour-long minute to pass. 

I seriously can't wait for today to be over and for the weekend to start.

      

   

M. Night Shyamalan... is one.... fine... hot... piece of ass. Jesus CHRIST. I want him so hard. UGH! What is it about Indian guys?

I can't believe I have to leave Deeds behind when I go to college. It makes me so upset, I just want to cry. But I know he and I need to be where we're going... he'll be way better off at Mom's house than cooped up in an apartment with me. And I'll be way better off in a dorm with other kids than all alone in an apartment. But it all makes my stomach hurt just thinking about it. This is weird, but I guess exciting at the same time.

School is okay. I don't really like doing all this work at this point... it feels so useless, and yet it's so critical. I am very frightened of my report card. I know my physics and pre-calc grades are definately not going to be satisfactory. I can't function in math or science. I am inept. Oh well, I was made for literature and poetry.

I am afraid to go downstairs. I don't feel like being bothered. Yesterday I wasted my evening in the kitchen helping with dinner, setting the table, entertaining the baby, doing the dishes... I should have been enjoying my remaining time with Deeds. He's lying on my bed right now, listening to the Beatles with me.

I suppose I'll go be with him.

College. Dorms. Man. This is weird.